The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
