actually, I'm a sock model
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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