I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
