She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
