You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
