someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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