i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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