Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
