I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
