When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
