His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
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you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
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I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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