oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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