I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
