every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
