The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
