here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
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My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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