I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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