it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
