He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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