I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
