I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
