Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
