I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
