I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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