she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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