Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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