He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
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I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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