So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
