I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
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I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize