happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
