I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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