Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
