I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
