My sheets look like a crime scene.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
