oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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