This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
