ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
