I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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