My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
