The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
