if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have fence marks all over my body
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
