I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.