If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
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My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
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I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting