Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
