She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
