you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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