Duck Duck Cougar?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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