I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
