I am in a vortex of obligation.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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