1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
