why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
