Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
