i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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