2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sext me about skeletons
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
