i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
