I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
