so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
