She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
