i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
