I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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