I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
